The Evil Parrot Unemployment Guide: the interviews

I'm not going to regurgitate the usual bollocks that most websites might spew to when it comes to interviews. For the most, and in all fairness, they are spot on. But they bloody skimp on the details. Allow me to fill in a few of the blanks.
The concept of a one-on-one interview is a relic. A piece of nostalgia. A classic memory. Unless we're dealing with phased interviews that occur days apart for the same company. I've noticed a trend where most of the interviews I've attended were done by multiple interviewers. Be prepared for this. There are several scenarios (and I've been through them all) to be aware of.

• The full frontal assault. You sit at the head of a table and look directly on the faces of five to seven interviewers. When answering questions, make sure you maintain eye contact with the primary interviewer but be sure to give the others some decent "eye" time as you wind down your answer. Plus it is a good way to intercept any body signals the rest of the interviewing team might be sending each other.
  
• The regroup and assess style. Here you are interviewed by many folks in a one-on-one interview. One bloke interviews you, when he's finished, he disappears and the new interviewer appears (several minutes) later. This can go on for several hours. Physically and psychologically draining. Especially if it is done in the company's cafeteria during peak feeding time (this happened to me ... don't worry I won't mention the name of the company).
  
• The right angle bogey assault. Possibly the most annoying and psychologically intimidating strategy where interviewers (usually a 2 to 3 man team) sit in front AND at the side of you. Treat them as you would the full frontal assault but be prepared to swivel a lot.
  
• The group interview. Sounds like the frontal assault technique but with a twist. You sit with a number of applicants as members of the interviewing team throw out questions for random applicants to answer. Sounds ideal, doesn't it? You get to pick and choose what questions to answer? Wrong. Try to answer answer as many as possible. Being timid or trying to squeak by will NOT work in your favour.
  

So how do you prepare for these ambushes ... er, interviews? This is where it gets creative and bizarre. Practice answering you questions. Think of all the interviews you've every had and pool those questions. Even make some questions (no matter how strange it may sound). At one interview I was asked why I was applying for a clerical job even though I have a technical degree. A bit brassy on the part of the interviewer, yes? One would assume that you were eager to find work and leave it at that yet that question was asked. How did I answer it? I'll give you a hint, I didn't say I'm looking or eager for any work.
Role playing. This is where you get to be in touch with your inner schizophrenic, changing the tone of your voice to simulate multiple interviewers. For added effect, print off blown up pictures of really icy looking people and arrange them around your table to represent the interviewers (favourable mention would be a serious Tilda Swinton, Trump, Meryl Streep in her devil wear prada role, or that Carolyn sidekick chick from the Apprentice that got the boot). Here's the really bizarre part. Sit with a tie and your undies and stare at the pictures in the mock interview. Those of us that are just a wee bit risque could try it out in the buff, just make sure if you live in an apartment buildings, surrounded by other apartment buildings, that your blinds are drawn. Nothing freaks nosy parkers than watching some bloke sitting in his undies (or in the buff ) with a tie conducting an eight way conversation with himself. Evil Parrot, some may say, were you in the full monty or in your undies? Naughty, naughty ... I'm not telling. Sounds a bit strange, desperate, or downright scary doesn't it? Well desperate times had called for desperate measures. And it will probably do you better in your preparation. So why the buff/undie bit? For many of us interviews make us feel very vulnerable and naked, so to get over that ... well you do strange things.
I'll be honest in saying that there is no guarantee that this will make you an interview slayer, however, it'll do wonders for your Q and A and your interview phobias.

Tags: life, employment, unemployment, labour, people, living